Hello! I hope today’s been a good day so far for you 🌞 If it didn’t start off quite right, remember there’s a whole weekend ahead and nothing but endless possibilities.
A lot of things have been on my mind recently, but interestingly they don’t feel like too much. I haven’t felt stressed, even thought I probably could be very stressed right now, I’ve been able to rest and relax and take it easy and, most importantly, resist the imminent urge of always doing or producing something. And I think I know why:
I recently started saying the things I have on my mind. This is not to say that I never did before, because that’d be a lie, but for the first time I feel like I finally have the courage to speak truthfully. So, I’ll rephrase: I have started sharing the things I would have normally kept to myself.
Some big things have changed in my life and I believe they’re the reason I grew some balls, to put it very bluntly 😄 I won’t go into detail about what changed, but I wanted to share three recent experiences, which I hope inspire you to also say what you need to say.
The problems
We were ordering some (very naughty) McDonald’s. The (Brazilian) man at the cashier was very friendly and helpful, but his (Portuguese) manager made two outrageous appearances in which he made two racist, very racist, jokes about our cashier.
A new friendship was emerging between me and someone I met by chance. It didn’t feel right to me at first, but I gave it a chance, another chance, a third chance and it still didn’t feel great. Despite them being very friendly and nice to me, I didn’t feel comfortable or truly like myself around them and felt a strange responsibility to keep it going. A commitment of sorts.
My name and image were being used without my knowing (or consent) on a website, which belongs to a very good friend of ours.
The initial reactions
McDonald’s: Laugh at racist jokes. Feel bad for having laughed at said jokes. Say nothing. Anger. Frustration. Rage. Empathise with embarrassed and hurt cashier. Feel urge to get involved and defend. Resist urge. Need to fight. Pissed off.
New friendship: Smile. Be nice. Pretend. Say nothing. Play along during meetings. Become avoidant. Ghost them. Guilt. Complain with others. Resentment. Feel unwillingly committed. Stuck.
Website: Shock. Question whether I had given consent. Second-guess myself. Believe it’s for a good cause (ie: supporting their business). Feel tricked/used. Convince myself it’s not that bad. Irritation. Shock.
A couple of months ago those three stories would have died there. That would have been the end of each. I’d have collected all those feelings and loaded them all onto my imaginary backpack. The one we all carry around everywhere, like Dora:
But fortunately, very very fortunately, I didn’t 🥳 and I’m not sure if it was every single Terri Cole podcast episode, or her Boundary Boss book that my brain finally transformed into some cojones and I was able to do something in the moment – not three or four months later after having ruminated over how I could have stood up for myself (or someone else) and said something in the moment – or if my mochila was just already so loaded with crap from the past that it couldn’t take anything anymore.
In any case, this week I read about the POP method. Unknowingly, it’s what I used on these three situations and I love it because it’s super easy to remember and apply. I’m gonna tell you how it works:
Pause: literally just take a moment to notice what happened.
Onboard a feeling: try and name your emotions (see tools that might help below).
Proceed with awareness: now you can move forward, but powered by a clear understanding of what you feel and probably also knowing what to do next.
The tools
I’ve been testing the How We Feel app for a couple of months and I feel like my emotional literacy has really improved. I won’t spoil what the it does for you, because it works beautifully, is entertaining, informative and very easy to use… not to mention all the research behind it. It was created by scientists, designers, engineers, and psychologists. The science backing the app is led by Dr. Marc Brackett, who wrote Permission To Feel, a book about the power of emotional intelligence.
Or you can use the Wheel of Emotions / Feelings Wheel:
This one’s a couple of decades old now, but have a look at it and see if it works for you.
The idea with both, essentially, is to practice clearly identifying how you are feeling. This has been shown to reduce the intensity of experiences because it re-engages the rational mind. So rather than getting bogged down and overwhelmed with feelings, you get better at analytically understanding what’s going on with you.
Disclaimer: A part of me feels a bit like "hmm, I don’t know how much of a fan I am of taking the feeling magic away from feelings” 😅 but this has really been quite effective for me personally, so I share it in case you want to give it a go.
The solutions
In all three scenarios I first stayed quiet for a while, then I thought hard about what it was I was feeling and why, and finally I planned how to best communicate it.
McDonald’s: Once we finished our meal I walked up to the counter and asked to speak to the manager. I calmly told him that what he had said about his colleague was not OK, that it was extremely offensive, and not an appropriate attitude, specially for customer service, and double-specially from a leader!
New friendship: Following our last encounter, I went for a long walk by myself and, later, I called my ever-so-kind brother to ask him for some advice on phrasing. Then I wrote them a letter (on my Notes app, nothing too fancy), which I sent via WhatsApp. I explained how I was feeling and said I didn’t feel available for this new friendship, in honour of their time and energy and hoping not to cause future disappointments. But most importantly staying true to my feelings. Not ignoring them.
Website: First, I slept on it. The next morning, I contacted them. I applied one of Terri’s tips and used some humour! I messaged them saying I’d normally go to a casting first 😄 and then I asked them why my picture was on their website. I gave them an opportunity to explain themselves. Put the ball on their court.
And following all three occasions I felt an AHHMAZING sense of relief and accomplishment, I felt proud of myself for being honest with me and for sharing that honesty with others, I felt empowered and accomplished and all the negative feelings were gone! I did feel a bit of uncertainty and fear at first, though. When I was on my way to the cashier, heart in mouth, and when I was about to hit send 💬, palms sweating profusely 🥵
See how I name all my feelings? 👀
The outcomes were shocking! I didn’t really know what to expect… but what I certainly did not expect to get in return was: gratitude, good wishes, humour and… compliments!
Of course, the way in which we assert ourselves and deliver an intense message like any of the above is crucial. With the wrong tone they all could have gone very wrong 😬 and I could have found myself in some nasty arguments. But luckily, that didn’t happen! Phew!
Well, those are the stories and tools I wanted to share with you. I really hope they help you, or that this was, at the very least, a nice and easy read 😊 As far as I’m concerned, I could be totally wrong, so I insist you don’t believe anything I say and just see for yourself. But do let me know how it goes if you do!
BIG HUG,
S.